One Week to Valentin- whaaat?!

I can already feel the swell of righteous anger- I know, I know. Valentine’s Day is a dreadful prospect for everyone involved. You’re either under pressure to come up with something really special- flowers! roses! diamonds! dinner reservations! all of the above!- for your snuggly-pumpkin, or scared and wondering if your snookie-poo is coming to come through with something really special for you, or if you haven’t got a cuddle-woogums then, well, you’re cranky. About this time of year, I start hearing the anti-establishment rants from males of my aquaintance- Valentine’s Day is created by advertisers to convince women that we have to buy them things and then they get mad at us when we don’t and everything’s pink and those candy hearts are gross and I hate it and etc.

They’re right, except for the candy hearts thing. Apparently the greeting card industry has an award named for the lady who invented the Valentine’s day card. And now they’re capitalizing on haters by selling Anti-Valentine’s day cards! Genius!

Plus, all this shiny red waste. Big packages for little waxy chocolates, plastic wrap, cheaply-made toys, forests of obnoxious cards, tons and tons of dying flowers shipped all over at exorbitant prices…and all the hippies crying green ecotears. Why are we making love so unsustainable?

Some go so far as to declare their non-participation in this non-event: I will not bow to the follies of popular culture, I above the red and pink pressures. Works perfectly if you’re single, but you try explaining to your wimbly-bipple that you’re not going to be extra-sweet to him/her/it for one little day just because somebody had the gall to suggest that you do so. (Here’s a helpful tip: this will always go poorly for you. If it doesn’t go poorly for you, dump him/her/it and look for someone with a backbone.)

Me, I like Valentine’s Day. I’m looking forward to it. I think you’d like Valentine’s Day, too, if we made a few rules for it. Here’s my proposal:

1 ) No gross, over-processed red and pink-wrapped chocolates/candies. “Gift Food” is not a gift, nor is it food. Try making something actually tasty.

2 ) No stuffed animals (ok, unless it’s your best friend from forever and you compete to see who can come up with the most ridiculous one even though she always wins, even the year you found the purple snake with heart spots, because of that one vibrating pink lion…).

3 ) No store-bought cards. “I Love You” doesn’t count if it was written by a committee, mass produced, and purchased. (Try making a pop-up card. Fun, and demonstrative, and just think of all the things you can…never mind.)

4 ) Both halves of the couple must plan nice things for their hunnie-muffins.

5 ) If you do buy jewelry, don’t symbolize your love with a product of bloodshed, underpaid sweat, and intestinal delivery. Go vintage, or fair-trade, or lab-grown, or recycled, or at least certified. And similarly with flowers- why are you killing so many pretty things to tell her she’s pretty? Get her a live plant if you can (let her kill it). But really,

6 ) You don’t need to spend money at all. This is about love, and celebrating strong relationships, and taking the time to appreciate having your puddle-widgkins. So do that in a way that’s just for the two of you, and not for Hallmark/Godiva/DeBeer’s, also. Two’s company, three’s just wrong.

7 ) Call your parents and grandparents.

8 ) If you haven’t found your ookle-dumpling yet, see 7). Then don’t take it so personally (statistically you’ll find your mumbly-cupcake someday, and it’s not like angst makes you more attractive, unless you’re one of those people), take a deep breath, and go hang out with cool people and do fun things.

What do you think? A dash of anti-consumerism, a pinch of anti-advertisements, and a shot of self-confidence makes Valentine’s more sustainable, and maybe even bearable.

24 Responses to “One Week to Valentin- whaaat?!”

  1. 1 Justin Lilly February 7, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    So…. Not your thing?

  2. 2 virescent February 7, 2008 at 11:18 pm

    The picture, or Valentine’s Day? The picture is alright- though the curve on the letters makes it hard to read and doesn’t make good use of the design space. Valentine’s Day itself is pretty awesome, or at least the way I plan to do it is. You?

  3. 3 Ramc February 7, 2008 at 11:19 pm

    I wish my wife had a clearly defined position like this. Elsewise it’s just a game of Russian roulette.


  4. 4 virescent February 7, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    Heh, she actually might, Ramc? I’ve noticed that sometimes when I think I’ve clearly defined my position to my Gentleman Friend, I was speaking a language he doesn’t. Ask her? And good luck, may you never be the last contestant in that game…

  5. 5 Telelion February 8, 2008 at 12:04 am

    Wimbly-bipple is my new all-time favorite word.

  6. 6 satiricalobservations February 8, 2008 at 9:56 am

    Well I had a good laugh at number 6. There is a very strong correlation, even causation, between money and love. Why else would Hugh Hefner have 6 blonde chicks about 2 generations younger than him? One doesn’t see much of the inverse on that scale now do they?

    Also lets cut the sham that this is a two way street holiday. If we do what we are supposed to, buy the waxy chocolate with the forest’s worth of packaging we know that our chances of you having a headache that night become lower.

    Unless of course you get the girl who decides that this is the time to get us ridiculously stupid gifts like matching pajamas movie tickets to see the notebook, or N’Sync on ice. Then it is us with the headache.

    I also had a problem with your anti-stuffed animal statement. They are a sign of prowess as proven by the culture of the Carni. They live as one with nature, arriving at dawn and then leaving at night to avoid capture. I thought you hippies were supposed to protect endangered species, not further their extinction.

    Besides one knows that the best gift to give to your loved one is stock options in the oil market. Nothing says I love you more than placing her needs above all others, except maybe a clubbed seal sandwich in a styrofoam container.

  7. 7 virescent February 8, 2008 at 11:12 am

    Sat-Ob, your cutie-pooter is so excited about next Thursday! I heard she’s making you organic-soy based cupcakes that you can munch on the way over to the 8:00 performance of the Vagina Monologues with her. And her mother.

  8. 8 satiricalobservations February 8, 2008 at 11:23 am

    Well that would be a classic example of how women see the holiday that is all about them, rather than the unit of the relationship as a whole. The soy based cupcakes I guess were a good idea, I merely have to remind her that I gave up eating things that have no taste for lent, which is why I have not been to your conservative amazon friend’s site.

    Plus I will be unavailable for the 8 o’clock show as her best friend and I made plans for that night, although the same subject matter may be discussed.

  9. 9 Ramc February 8, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Making plans with your girl’s best friend on Valentine’s Day seems like
    a stock sitcom plot. Are you going to the bar later with your ‘wacky’ best friend and your platonic hot female friend whom you secretly love after?


  10. 10 satiricalobservations February 8, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    Dude you are not going to the bar with me later that night, so stop begging. Also it sounds kinda lame when you describe yourself as “wacky”. I told my chick on the side that we would be able to do more things in public, and this was her idea to fulfill that promise. The fact that she is younger, hotter, and more “exploratory” are definitely perks that go in her favor. So whats a dude to do?

    “platonic hot female friend whom you secretly love after” No such thing dude, Papa gets what papa wants, now go to your room, mom and dad need to “talk”

  11. 11 virescent February 8, 2008 at 12:41 pm

    Sat-Ob, you are very creepy, what with all this planning to cheat on your imaginary girlfriend. Why not just imagine a better girlfriend? One, for instance, who will not take you to the VM on V-Day, but instead spend the evening whapping you with your own baby seal sandwich to keep that raging testosterone in check? I think that’d be a pretty good girlfriend for you, and if you like, you can imagine she’s cute, too. Plus I thought the CA’s post on the dress blog was a pretty good one. Anybody have other sustainable Valentine’s Day comments?

  12. 12 satiricalobservations February 8, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    To clarify I was the victim of an arraigned relationship having drawn the unlucky straw of “an organic cupcake VM watching” fruit loop. Secondly, as to the character assassination of terming me as “very creepy”. Scoping out abortion clinics for chicks because they are already guilty of making poor decisions, that is creepy.

    Therefore my indulgences concerning her normal friend was a natural evolution of the story. Since this site maintains all nature is superior to all things intellectual, I was towing the Party line. (Kinda like Mitt saying that terrorists are salivating for Obama to win)

    As to the woman who would enjoy clubbing the baby seals, you are so very correct in your analysis. Therefore I have to say that I declare myself a proponent for drilling ANWAR since not only will the oil revenues protect us from funding terrorists states, getting rid of the wildlife can be a fun V-Day activity.

    It may be a different type of stuffed animal, but then again it will have a lot more value when the endangered species list comes out, and then it is straight to ebay.

  13. 13 Ramc February 8, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    Stop begging? I guess this is the internet, so you can respond to what you pretended I wrote rather that what I actually did all you like.

    For the rest of the folks on topic, our only solid plans for V-day: going to see the Princess Bride in theater. You’ll be happy to know we’re walking there. As for movies, it may be romantic, but at least its a good one.

  14. 14 keithedwhite February 8, 2008 at 3:00 pm

    Times like this remind me of the following:

    -The volume of urgent information blogs bring to the masses
    -How they bind friends together
    -And, finally, reminding us all how dim other great achievements of humankind glow in comparison to the portable, coded glory of the Digital Age.

  15. 15 virescent February 8, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    The electronic Age has elicited this response from you, but Valentine’s Day moves you not?

  16. 16 happy4life February 8, 2008 at 5:25 pm

    Fine. I guess that means (for those who fall for the valentine trap) that people ‘belive’ that you are loved for at least one day of the year. Very Fubish! (my own personal word of disgust).

    I guy I knew for years, who I didn’t really care that much for bought me a card the six of Uranus along with a miniscule bear in a rose in a plastic holder. The inevitable happened and I threw it away.

    I think I’ll just stick to wearing red and black if I’m in the mood and continue to act normal.

  17. 17 analyn aquino February 9, 2008 at 9:24 am

    nice blogs.. Happy Valentines

  18. 18 Jessie February 9, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    I bought a domain name, lol…

    He fails tho and hasn’t bought me anything yet (he says). I say it’s a good thing that he’s at least admitting he fails.

  19. 19 paisleyandplaid February 9, 2008 at 5:15 pm

    I, too, wrote a kind of anti-Valentine’s Day post at Then I softened and wrote another one, much more sentimental. I just don’t like all of the commerce-driven stuff we do as an obligation.

  20. 20 virescent February 9, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    happy4life- normality sounds like a good plan. Better luck with the next one- hope he makes you know you’re loved every day of the year, and avoids the meaningless stuff gestures.

    Jessie- a domain name is a cool gift. My GF tried to get me one for Christmas, but the one I want is blocked right now. What is it you want him to give you for valentines?

    paisley- Read your post on Valentine’s and greatly appreciate it. It brought home for me the idea that what people hate about Valentine’s isn’t the love, it’s the crap that people feel obliged to do to show love for it. The shallowness of VDay practices has really given it a bad name.

  21. 21 Jessie February 10, 2008 at 1:54 am

    Yeah he’s been building a website. ( — unfinished)

    lol I completely don’t care, just as long as he does something. (He missed my birthday, which is why I’m making a slightly big deal about valentine’s day…chance to redeem himself much?)

  22. 22 Kellie February 11, 2008 at 2:53 am

    Ever since our son was born 20 days before V-Day these things have happened:

    1. I now, for some reason, ALWAYS cry in the card aisle. Now that he’s two we can make them and spare myself the embarrassment…

    2. We’re too broke for food, so we order a pizza. Hey, the sauce is red, right?

    3. The day makes sense finally. Me, two boys, a pizza… life is sweet. With or without a box of candy (although I would prefer it).

    Thanks for your take on it. Settle down, people. Show love!

  23. 23 Cameron February 12, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    I think you hit the nail on the head with this post since it brings up Money, Emotions, and Obligations….things strongly related to Taxation, land and other ideals that have caused wars and killed millions over the course of human evolution (ooooh, you should have tossed in evolution or God!)!:

    -Surprise someone with V-day in Novemeber so you don’t have to worry about reservations. If it’s really about taking a “day” to pay Homage to your relationship, then pick the day on your own terms.

    -Do it sustainably. No one needs more trash in their life. Keep it simple and personal (that or plan a crazy Vegas trip with your couple-crew that will ultimately lead to one or all couples breaking up)!

    -Show gratitude. You can’t imagine the stress guys feel on this day to be perfect, and when she opens the box and goes….oh….that’s…um…..nice…I guess! Talk about “I have a headache”

    -I think as a society we don’t reflect enough. Make V-day about reflection on your relationship, and why you are even bothering to take the time to celebrate; and stop worrying so much about surprises, and candles, and $$. Look threw, make or add to a scrap-book of pics you took together over a quiet dinner (plus you’ll know where to find all the pictures to burn if it comes down to that)!!

    I, being “with out partner”, will spend the evening with my friends, who I feel honored to still have a relationship with for all these years… bitterness (or bitter candy hearts), just love!

  1. 1 Organic Wine and Chocolate Tasting « Virescent Trackback on February 13, 2009 at 9:07 pm

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